Handsome Musings
by D1sh0n0r3d
Summary: Handsome Jack has some alone time and decides to contemplate the vault hunters. One-Shot. Slight spoilers for Where Angels Fear to Trend


**Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Borderlands Universe.**

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Handsome Jack sat down in his plush office chair. He spun around in it looking at the five pictures of the vault hunters. He placed their wanted posters all around the room. They were proving to be a challenge, more than he expected at least.

So he got down to the business of destroying an enemy. Find their one weakness and exploit it. The only problem was the vault hunters seemed to not have one.

Axton had an ex wife, but she was untouchable without starting a war. Why did stupid Dahl even care for soldiers under their command? That policy seemed to stop him every time he wanted to kill one of those little buggers. Wagging war on Dahl could be fun; he could even ride in on Butt Stallion and declare it, maybe even shoot their president in the head.

Handsome Jack leaned back in the chair looking around the beautiful office. The windows had a hologram of a happy city instead of that cesspool. He hated Pandora. There was something he hated more than Pandora though, that was the vault hunters.

Especially Axton, there was no way to manipulate him. He had too strong of a bond with the other idiots, so he wouldn't be deserting them for his own glory. He could just go after the vault himself. But, Jack remembered listening in on the conversation with the siren.

_"You need to learn not to rush out there," said the voice of one annoyed Siren. Axton huffed rolling his eyes. "You're going to teach Gaige bad habits."_

_"There's a habit worse than sending a robot of death to kill someone?" Axton asked. Maya glared._

_"You know we can hear you, right?" Gaige piped up from the back corner of the room. Neither of the two responded and Gaige sighed. She was left out once again._

_"Just make sure not to do that anymore. The New-U Stations may get you back up but what if you ever run out of money? What if it messes up and doesn't come back at all. You could never see the vault or have bragging rights!" Maya exclaimed before sighing deeply._

_"Killing things always calms me down," Salvador said before leading Maya out, a rare sight. Axton sighed and sat next to Gaige._

_"Is having D-T killing people a bad habit?" Gaige asked._

_"Not at all,"_

Handsome Jack spun in his chair a little and thought about the Siren, Maya. Sure, she was the ultra rare powerful goddess of the group. She could do so much better though. Why would anyone want to be stuck babysitting three idiots and an assassin, when they could be working for Hyperion? It just blew Jack's mind.

The worse part about her was that there was nothing to manipulate her with. He could probably kidnap the Mechromancer and trick the Siren into doing his bidding, but that required work. Not to mention that the vault hunters would probably be all mad and would go and rescue the kid.

Why couldn't they just hate each other and tear themselves apart? It would save him a lot of time and money. But no, they would just be selfish jerks who wanted to be a team. Now that he thought about it, his siren was so much better than theirs!

So, who was left to trick? Salvador, the Gunzerker and most crazed of the vault hunters? No thanks. He had already tried that. Salvador had laughed at him and threw the Echo into oblivion

That left two, the assassin, and the Mechromancer.

The assassin had already proven his loyalty though. Jack had gotten the brilliant idea that he would pay Zer0 to kill the others. It was a brilliant plan, ruined by the stupid females of the group.

_Zer0 sat on the couch leaning forward silently. He was resting from the fight they had earlier. It wasn't a challenge, but that didn't stop his body from aching. He had pulled a muscled in his leg after diving into Gaige to knock the injured girl out of a rocket's way._

_He heard a voice call his name and he looked up. He was the only one in the room besides Maya and Gaige; both were distracted splitting up the loot. He looked around until he realized it was from his Echo. He grabbed it picking it up._

_"Hey Zer0 buddy, how's it going? Listen, you like challenges right? Well I got one for you, the two ladies in front of you, kill them. A Siren is a challenge right, and the kid is proving herself. Not to mention the giant robot she has. Think of all the money I would give you. What do you say?" Handsome Jack asked._

_Zer0 sat there for a few moments thinking. He could stab Gaige in her robotic arm, which would destroy any chance of Deathtrap being summoned. He would also have a jump on Maya but she would react quickly. Gaige could scream in pain or just for help, wouldn't take long for someone to come._

_Zer0 stopped his train of thought. He hadn't of gone over all scenarios yet, but did he need to? At first, he was reluctant. He always worked alone. Then Gaige pointed out it would be a challenge to work as a team, he was glad it wasn't._

_So now he was going to kill these two for a liar? Zer0 shook his head angrily and stood. He might kill Salvador and Axton because they were annoying, but not these two. Well, at least not Maya._

_He picked his Echo up hearing Jack's breathing on the other end. Jack was probably five feet away from the Echo._

_"There is no challenge_

_Just a foolish president_

_Unable to kill," Zer0 said before turning of the Echo. He ignored the confused looks of Gaige and Maya closing his eyes._

Jack was not a foolish president. Foolish presidents wouldn't come as far as he had. Zer0 would pay for that, Jack would see to it.

The last vault hunter drifted into his mind. He had taken a special interest in her, the girl with the murdering robot. If he could get his hands on those designs, oh man. First, he needed to convince Gaige to join him.

He had tried something like that though, the result was the same. There was a little good that came out of the conversation though. Jack chuckled slightly remembering it.

_"So Axton, what's for dinner?" Gaige asked ducking under a small wall. She couldn't seem to summon Deathtrap as normally as she could before the train was destroyed._

_"Something with Skag in it," Axton replied throwing his turret out. Gaige watched a bandit's grenade fly towards them. She slid to another piece of cover. It was like those games that her few friends had played._

_"Hey Gaige," a voice from her Echo said. Gaige frowned looking down at it. "You don't want to be working with these monsters right?" Handsome Jack asked. Gaige rolled her eyes firing her submachine gun then throwing it at a bandit._

_"Get off my Echo Jack," she said in an annoyed tone._

_"Come on Mechromancer! You want people to respect your creations? I can help you with that. I can appreciate them as they crush my enemies!" Jack exclaimed._

_Gaige rolled her eyes and grabbed her Echo. She toyed with it till she couldn't hear Jack. She turned only to see a psycho running towards her. She quickly fired wincing as her shields were battered by the psycho. She shot him in the face and turned._

_She saw Axton dive backwards and call her name. She turned back to the battle in time to see a rocket slam into her. She hit the wall and her eyes slowly drifted close. She barely heard Axton kneel next to her as everything faded away._

_"Thanks for using this Hyperion New-U station! Please die again! "_

Gaige was sticking with the vault hunters. They had saved her life multiple times and vice versa, that was an unbreakable bound. Stupid unbreakable bounds, they always seemed to ruin his plans. Maybe he could trick Gaige? No, that wouldn't work.

Damn it. Being an evil mastermind was not easy. No one would just walk up to his door saying they wanted to destroy the vault hunters. He paused as he waited for a knock. There was none, damn

He finally stood taking down the hologram. He stared out at Pandora. Fine, if the vault hunters wouldn't tear themselves apart, he would. Now all he needed was someone to do it.

It could be his loaders who did it. Maybe the bandits, they were mostly useless though. His Siren might also help out. But, the vault hunters would fall, one way or another. Handsome Jack would make sure of it.

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**I couldn't get this out of my head and couldn't sleep, so why not?**

**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Review?**


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